Not Today!!!

I was reminded today of a time a couple years ago when I went surfing and shouldn't have.   It was our regular Sunday morning surf, me and my surfing buds, and the waves were looking pretty big and rough to me, but since everyone was going out I figured I should as well.   I knew right away it was going to be a tough day.  I tried very hard to get out past the white water and no matter how hard I paddled, I just kept getting pushed back into shore.  Out of breath, I finally had to give up and sit on the shore for a few minutes.  I was exhausted, but also upset with myself that I couldn't get out to where everyone was sitting.   After a little rest, I decided I would try again..... I paddled with everything I had and finally made it out....WHEW!!!!
Well, after a few minutes of being out there and realizing the waves were WAY too big for me, I knew I had made a mistake, I should have just sat that one out.    We were out for probably an hour, me just sitting, and I finally had enough and decided I would head back in.  I was trying to time my paddle back in between the sets.  (by the way, good surfers never paddle back in, they catch a wave and ride it back in)  As I was paddling with all my might, sure enough a set came in and each wave seemed to be breaking right on top of me.  These were powerful waves that turned me over and over like being in a washing machine.   Usually each wave will push you a little closer to shore, but these seemed to keep me right in the same spot.  I was getting clobbered...... At one point I was ready to rip off my leash and let my board go so I could just swim.  I seriously wasn't sure I had the energy to keep going.   Finally I got a break and a wave broke just behind me and I caught the white water and it was pushing me to shore.  I literally was praying to just make it to shore!!!!   I finally did and it was all I could do to drag myself up on the sand and just sit.  I was shaking soo hard!!!!  I promised myself that day that I would never again do something I really didn't think I could handle.   I know we are supposed to push ourselves, and not always stay in our comfort zone, but I guess I have limits....

I say I was reminded of this today because I was scheduled to do a tandem skydive jump today and I didn't do it.   This was scheduled a couple weeks ago and other than the nervousness from time to time, I was kind of excited, but yet still nervous.  I think this is totally normal.  We got up this morning, all ready to go.  I got a nervous stomach on the drive up and really got nervous when we checked in.   By the way, when you sign a Release of Liability Waiver for skydiving, it is more than just a signature on a line.   4 pages of paragraphs you have to initial.  Then they video you reading the last paragraph which states that you understand what you have just read and they video you signing the last page....YIKES!!!!   I think that is what did it for me.  I had actually signed everything, but at the very end, I just couldn't do the jump!!!!
I know several people who have done a tandem jump and they all said it was AMAZING!!!!  And that I would have soo much fun after the initial rush.

Well, me being me..... I had all my beneficiaries updated and everything taken care of last week, before I took a chance, even had all the bills paid yesterday, ready just in case something happened.......I think I just worked myself up into a knot!!!!

After I finally decided I was not going to do something I was not ready for - keeping my promise to myself after that horrible day of surfing - we stayed and watched everyone else get geared up, load the plane, take off and with binoculars I could watch them as they floated down.  I could not see them actually jump out, or the freefall, but I could see them gently gliding thru the air and then landing.  Even after all the excitement and smiles from all the jumpers, and hearing them say how incredible it was, I still could not do it....
I have struggled the rest of the day feeling like a chicken, like a wuss.  I had told quite a few people that I was doing it, so tomorrow I will have to face all of them and tell them I failed........but I am ok with that, It's just not my time....

Not this time....... Someday I hope to be able to, I do think it would be an incredible experience.   Just not today!!!!